I Remember It Well
by Vampbarbie
Summary: A Story about death and love and coping and well death. Character death so do not read if that offends you. Some usual pairings some not so, but all only implied 'cept one which is obvious in the story. Please Review.


Usual Disclaimer - I own nothing! Title is taken from 'I Remember' by Damien Rice.

WARNING: Character deaths so do not read if that offends. One instance of language.

Usual pairings and some not so usual ones.

* * *

I Remember It Well

Jayne Cobb was afraid. For once in his life really and truly afraid. He lifted his head and blinked a few times. Then he noticed the hand lying in the dirt in front of his nose. He wiggled forward on his belly a couple of inches to free his own hand and touched it. It was warm, the slender fingers just lying there in the rubble. Nibbled nails. Girl's hand.

"River?"

He rolled over and coughed, spitting out mouthfuls of dirt, until his chest ached. Gradually he sat up and leant over the girl. He took the hand and squeezed it, but he already knew there would be no response. River had a serene smile on her face, but her eyes were staring skyward, through where the ceiling had once been, empty, blank…lifeless.

Jayne felt his own eyes burning, then tears leaked unwillingly from the corners and ran down his face. He swiped them away quickly.

Behind him came a moan. Jayne looked round. Simon was laying, sprawled out on his back but alive, stirring. His fancy clothes hung in rags on him. He had no shoes. Jayne moved to his side and helped him to sit up.

"Jay…Jayne?"

"Yeah."

Simon's nose was bleeding and his lip already swelling. Highly possible a black eye too. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, as though to gather his strength and tried to stand. Jayne already had his arm when he started to sway. Then Simon looked at Jayne with panic on his face.

"River! Where is she?" he shook Jayne's hand off and stared wildly around the room. Then he saw her. "River oh God!"

He darted towards her.

"No doc," Jayne grabbed at him. "Don't!"

But Simon had already seen her face, and was on his knees screaming at his little sister. "Wake up! This isn't a game! Wake up. Please wake up! Please…" Then he turned away, retching and vomited on the ground until he was dry heaving.

Jayne moved away. He couldn't console Simon. Then he saw Kaylee sitting against the wall, eyes closed. Beautiful, brilliant Kaylee. Then he saw the blood in her hair…

* * *

Zoë's eyes flickered open and she resisted a scream of pain. She bit her lip until she tasted blood. Zoë pulled herself to a standing position on one foot, using the remains of a table; her right leg was simply buckling under her if she tried to put any weight on it. The air was full of dust and she couldn't see. Then she heard him, a moaned out name.

"Zoë…"

"I'm here. Where are you?"

She followed the sound of his voice and tried not to let her expression scare him when she found him.

"Don't," Wash said. "Please don't, not now. Give it to me straight my blunt honest wife."

Zoë lowered herself to sit by his head. She'd seen worse than this, but she'd seen a hell of a lot better. His legs were buried in fallen masonry, and his left arm was twisted at an unnatural angle. But worst was the metal rod poking out of his stomach. Lots of blood. Couldn't lie to him. Not now.

"Its bad…" she began, taking his right hand.

"Simon…" he groaned.

"Dunno if he's even alive. Just me. Anyway he..." her voice cracked, "…he couldn't help."

"Oh," Wash absorbed the news silently for a moment, then, "Make my epitaph beautiful, don't say I'm gross…use shadow puppets…" He coughed.

Zoë saw the blood spatter his lips. She tightened her grip on his hand.

"Ow," he gave her a smile where his mouth hardly moved but it still reached his eyes. "Zoë I love you."

"Wash…" Tears started to blue her vision, "no…"

"Just tell me. I'm not afraid Zoë. You know why? Coz you're not. You and Mal. Never were. Can't win 'em all," he laughed weakly, his eyes closing in pain.

"I love you," she leant down and kissed his passionately. Tears dripped onto his face from hers. Finally she reluctantly pulled away.

His last words were as random as she would expect before he closed his eyes and died. "And…tell Mal…my dinosaurs stay on the bridge…"

* * *

TWO HOURS EARLIER:

"Shame the Preacher had to miss this," Kaylee said, looking round the table at the others.

"He don't believe in drinkin'," Jayne said pulling the jug of alcohol towards him. "Meanin' I get his share."

Simon took a sip of his drink cautiously and choked at its strength. Kaylee laughed and thumped him on the back.

River meanwhile drank an entire glass without any reaction at all. Mal moved the pitcher away from her.

"I think you should take it easy girl," he said in a fatherly way. "I ain't carrying you back to the boat."

"Boats float on the ocean. We're not in the ocean Captain," she replied seriously.

"That we ain't. But we are here to relax and unwind." He looked at the others. "So drink up before Jayne has it all."

Mal snatched the jug back from the mercenary.

Zoë and Wash sat in a corner talking very quietly between themselves.

"If you're talking 'bout sex then you gotta share," Kaylee grinned at them.

"Kaylee!" Simon looked at her shocked. She turned her grin on him, and Simon thought that he'd happily let her talk about sex to him. Then he blushed at the very thought. You didn't think about ladies like that.

Zoë excused herself to go to the bar. Wash leaned forward to Kaylee. "We were talking about sex…"

"Wash…" warned Mal.

"We were talking about the sin of sex," Wash corrected, deadpan. "And all the sins we should atone for."

"Ain't no sin in sex," Jayne said looking up. "And I ain't atonin' for nothin'. Vera does that for me."

Simon rolled his eyes and Kaylee pinched his knee under the table. He felt himself blushing again.

* * *

Jayne knelt down beside the mechanic. "Kaylee? Can you hear me?"

Her eyelids flickered. "Yeah I hear you Jayne."

"How you feeling?"

"Shiny Jayne, you?" Her eyes were still closed.

"Just shiny."

He dropped a gentle kiss lightly on her forehead.

"Did you just kiss me?"

"Yeah," Jayne said. "Just glad you're alive that's all."

She opened her eyes and looked at him questioningly.

"Where does it hurt?" he pressed instead.

"Head."

He gently ran his hands through her hair careful of tugging at the drying blood. He found the cut. There was a lot of blood but it was superficial. "You'll live."

He started to stand up and she caught his shoulder with a grip stronger than he would have credited her for.

"What's wrong?" she insisted, eyes wide.

"River's dead," he said simply. Couldn't sugar coat it. Not even for her. He felt bad at that.

Her hand flew to her mouth. "Simon?"

"Alive. He knows. He's there with her," Jayne gestured a few metres away where Simon was sitting on the floor, barefoot, his face beaten up and his clothes in shreds. His hair was grey with dust. Just sitting and staring. He looked like a little lost boy.

Kaylee rose slowly with Jayne's steadying hand. She glanced at him. "The others?"

"Don't know. Can't see in this gorram dust. I'll find them. Take care of him."

Kaylee stumbled the short rubble-strewn space and dropped to her knees beside Simon. She doesn't look at River, she can't. Kaylee gathers Simon into her arms, like he's a child.

"Simon…" she breathes.

His lower lips trembles. "River…River…I said…I promised I'd protect her…"

"Ssshhh ssshhh," she consoles him with wordless noises now, rocking him in her arms, stroking his hair. All the while tears stream down her cheeks. Simon's eyes are still dry.

"I can't breathe," he whispers. "Why can't I breathe?"

Then the floodgates open and huge racking sobs shake his body. Kaylee pulls his face to hers and kisses him. She lets him know he's not alone. While she has a breath in her body she'll breathe for him.

* * *

Inara returned to Serenity later than she had planned and was surprised to find the halls empty. She finally discovered Book reading his bible in his room. He looked up when she poked her head around the door.

"Hello Shepard."

He smiles at her. "Hello Inara. If you're looking for the others then you'll find them in the local tavern, drinking away our profits."

Inara frowns. "But it's extremely late. Even Jayne can't drink this long without passing out. I saw troopers when I flew back here. They were lining the road. Mal wouldn't be doing something he's not supposed to would he?"

Book shrugged, "If he is he hasn't told me. He knows I'd preach too much."

* * *

Jayne picks his way across the debris and body parts that used to be the bar. Its not far but it seems like a hundred metres. He stumbles as a piece of concrete moves beneath his feet. He manages to stay upright. A trickle of fear sweat runs down his spine, between his shoulder blades. Jayne catches sight of what used to be the pretty barmaid and feels his stomach rebel a little. He turns away and swallows hard until the feeling subsides.

Then he spots Zoë. Her face is grey with dust, streaked down her cheeks with tear tracks. Jayne knows either Mal or Wash is dead. Zoë wouldn't cry for the rest of them, including him. Jayne approaches slowly to where she is sat. She's still holding the dead man's hand. Jayne takes a breath and looks. Wash. He leans down to her.

"Zoë?" his voice sounds too harsh even to his ears.

She turns her face up to him. Her eyes are lifeless. There's no spark anymore.

"I'm sorry," Jayne says trying to sound sincere. He is, it just never sounds that way. "Is it just you?"

She nods still silent.

"Then Mal is missing. Everyone else is accounted for."

She meets his eyes and knows. "Who?"

"River."

Zoë opens her mouth to ask the same question as Kaylee and he cuts her off. "Simon knows. Kaylee is with him."

Zoë looks around them and takes in the carnage as though it's the first time she's really looked at it. She swallows but stays together. Jayne knows she must have seen carnage like this in the war.

"How are the others?" she finally asks.

"Simon's freaking out, wounded but walking. Kaylee's not hurt at all, minor cut on the head. Don't want her to see this though." Jayne would walk through burning coals to stop Kaylee seeing this.

"What about you?"

"Me?" Jayne hadn't even thought about whether he was alright. He was walking that was all that had mattered. He put a hand to his face and it came away grey with dirt. He looked down. His t-shirt was shredded and barely covering him anyway so he pulled it off. He then realised his arm was scarlet with blood. His blood. He blinked and then used the remains of the t-shirt to bandage it. He was no use to anyone if he went silly over a bit of the red stuff.

* * *

Mal groans and the sound hurts his ears. It sounds far louder than it should. And his ears are ringing. His jaw is aching so bad and he wonders if he has cracked any teeth. Or broke his jaw. He forces his eyes open and the lashes stick together. He wonders if its blood. He can hardly see, his eyes are streaming with tears now. He's lying on his side, and he realises he's trapped under something. There's a pressure all around him. He tries hard not to panic. Slowly he tries to move. A fingertip at first, then an arm. When his eyes adjust he suddenly realises that there's a body. It's a man, staring right at him. Eyes wide. But the head's not attached. A wordless noise rises from his throat. Mal panics and tries to get away. He doesn't want to be trapped with a dead man, that normally meant you were soon dead too. Like a grave. He kicks and flails his arms. The debris he's under shifts and moves. Then there's air, a tiny pinprick, and its full of dust but its better than he had. He shoves a hand through the tiny gap and tries to dig. His hands are getting all cut up but he can't care. He digs his way out, his hand bursting out of the mound like a vampire or zombie from a cheap horror flick. Then someone's grabbing at his hand.

"Mal?"

Jayne uses a hunk of table to dig the man out. Mal starts to pull himself up but flops in exhaustion. His whole body aches and he's covered in dirt. He wonders if he has broken his ribs.

"There's a dead man down there," his voice is gravely. His throat feels burnt out.

"There's dead everywhere Mal."

Mal raises his eyes slowly and looks around. He takes it all in silently for a long moment. Then he groans and says, "Kaylee? Zoë?"

"They're alive. But…" Jayne swallows.

"But?"

"River and Wash are dead." Just say it. Make it quick. Easier somehow that way.

Mal exhales noisily. "Get me up. Now Jayne."

Mal sees Zoë fist and goes to her, with rapid stumbling steps. She sees him and tries to stand, but her leg can't take it. Mal catches her and hold her close. He pulls her to his chest and just hugs her so hard. Her hands clutch at his back. He smoothes down her hair.

"Zoë oh Zoë. Fang xin, I'll make it better I promise. Let me try," Mal mutters into her hair.

Zoë is sobbing against him. "Mal…Mal…not Wash…no"

Jayne steps back. He doesn't know what to do. Does he look for survivors or just get them all out. He goes for the latter. He hasn't seen anyone else alive. He goes to Kaylee.

He gently touches her shoulder.

"Kaylee we've got to get out."

She nods.

"Simon, I'm gonna come right back for you. Stay here." Jayne feels like he's talking to a child.

He helps Kaylee to her feet.

"Don't leave me," Simon cries and grabs at her ankles.

"Gotta sweetie. Will be back soon," Kaylee soothes him.

"Kaylee look directly in my eyes," Jayne asks her.

"What?"

"Just do it. Don't look _anywhere _else at all dong ma?"

She nodded, her eyes wide and afraid. Jayne took her hands and walked backwards towards the doorway. The door is miraculously still standing in its frame. Kaylee stumbles but Jayne keeps a strong grip on her arms keeping her upright.

All of a sudden the door is flung open. Two figures stand backlit in the doorway.

Mal stares. He doesn't believe in angels. But the figure in white in the doorway can't be anything but. Then she steps into the ruins of the bar and its Inara. And Mal still thinks she's an angel.

* * *

Book is praying over the bodies in Serenity's hold, where they are laid out under sheets. He repeats the words over them, and walks around them. Blessing them for the other side.

"Dear Lord, watch over them and us. Protect them on their journey and bless their eternal souls. We commit them to your mercy. Amen."

Mal is holding Zoë. She's not the same and Mal's not the same either. Zoë's clinging to him with the same zeal that she clings to her guns in battle. The way she used to cling to Wash. Mal can't forget the sobbing, breaking voice from the bar – Mal…Mal…no not Wash… - and he can't quite equate that with the soldier he knows. He'd told her not to marry him. Hadn't really told her why. Not then. Can he tell he now?

Inara is trying to be there for everyone. She explained that it was a local guerrilla gang planting bombs in the town. Inara's holding Kaylee in her arms to cry. Telling Book that she'll take over his vigil while he eats or sleeps. Telling Simon to eat or sleep. He doesn't listen much, but she'll squeeze his hand anyway. Just pat Jayne on the shoulder and tell him he did a good job. Kept Kaylee from the horrors. No one tells Jayne he did a good job normally. She's tucking Zoë in at night and soothing away the nightmares. Holding Mal like she'd never hold one of her clients, and telling him the words he wants to hear. Words she's wanted to say for ages. Doesn't know if he's listening though. Inara will listen to him rant until the early hours then she'll sit and hold him, until Mal returns.

Jayne seems the sanest, the most together. How that happened no one knows. Inara swears she caught him hugging Kaylee one evening. He'd deny it of course. He's just keeping it together on the outside. He's not supposed to hurt so much inside. But he does, over a gorram crazy girl. He's building the coffins. No one else can bear to. Splinters in his hands won't stop him. He needs those to prove he didn't fail. Couldn't have stopped the gorram bomb going off, couldn't have kept River and Wash alive. Should of though, he should have.

Simon is in the infirmary. Walking in circles. Finally he snatches up a metal pan and hurls in against the opposite wall, with a wordless yell. It hits with a satisfying clang. He grabs a tray of medical instruments and throws that. Then a packet of syringes goes flying. Bottles of pills fall and smash with a rattle and a crash. Then a blanket, then some bandages. Anything he can lay his hands on he throws around the room. Finally he stops when there's nothing more to throw. He stands breathing heavily, and stares at his reflection in the glass window. Black eye, swollen lip, cut up feet that hurt him to stand on. But he did stand. He won't sit down. Feeling the pain made sure he remembered. He doesn't look like a proper upper class boy. They don't get their faces smashed up.

Kaylee is crying alone. Curled up in the engine room in her hammock and sobbing her heart out. Simon hasn't said a word to her about River since they got back. He's holed himself up in his own little infirmary kingdom, and he's not coming out. Not even for her. Kaylee's been trying to feed them all. Jayne's the only one who's eating. Why me? Kaylee thinks, why did I get away with a tiny scratch? I should be dead now. I swapped places with River to moon over her big brother. I didn't see dead people. Jayne saved me that. She's remembers staring into Jayne's eyes, one eye completely bloodshot. Jayne's been keeping his eye on her since. But he won't talk about River either. Don't upset Kaylee is the motto of the ship today. But why? Simon knows she's his, she kisses away his tears, and she'll breathe for him.

Kaylee goes to the infirmary when she can stand it no longer. She wants to shake Simon, make him tell her. He can't go all stiff upper lip on her, not about this. She finds him in the chaos he's created. Kaylee closes the door behind her and goes to him. She touches his arms, "Simon."

He turns silently and just looks at her. She doesn't need to ask and he doesn't need to tell. Then he's kissing her out of the blue and they fall together. A hurried shedding of clothes. Kaylee fumbles with his shirt buttons and Simon accidentally pulls her hair as he pulls her top over her head. He pushes her down on the couch, kissing her neck. They still don't talk. No need to. Hope no one interrupts with a new accident or need for soothers or painkillers. Simon strokes his hand down the skin he's been aching to touch, and Kaylee never knew her doctor wanted her so much.

They lie shuddering together on the couch for a couple of moments afterwards, not saying a word. Then Kaylee kisses him on the lips and gets up slowly. She dresses, and helps him to dress. She manages the buttons without difficulty this time, before planting a kiss over his heart.

"She'd loved you very much."

Simon looks on the verge of tears.

"And so do I."

River and Wash are watching. Always watching. It's their ship too and they hate the way they've poisoned it. Wash is despairing at Zoë's condition and raging at the way Mal is with her.

"I always knew it! He fancies her! Always knew it!"

"Mal doesn't. Too much history. Used to…confused now. Sees the girl inside. Didn't think about Her when he ordered her about. Had forgotten Her. She's not Zoë first mate anymore. He sees what you saw. What none of us did."

Wash stares at her and can't quite believe all that made sense.

River's dancing in circles as they walk their ship. She'll run up and down the stairways and catwalks and corridors as though nothing has changed. But there's no more banging of combat boots. It's all gone silent.

Wash touches his dinosaurs, left on the bridge as he asked, and lets his hand brush Serenity's controls. Who is gonna fly them safely now?

River wonders why Kaylee won't play with her. All she does is cry now. Try and talk to Simon and cry.

They watch Book praying. Wash tries to explain that they've got to leave eventually. Can't stay on Serenity forever. But River doesn't want to leave Simon. She's cried over the change in her brother. He's sullen and silent, and since the incident in the infirmary still isn't speaking to anyone. Jayne has finished their coffins; his hands are bleeding to prove it.

"Inara?" Kaylee's head poked round the shuttle door.

"Yes Kaylee, come in."

Kaylee plopped herself down next to the Companion on her plump bed. She was smiling. An odd occurrence these days.

Inara looked at her quizzically.

"What is it Kaylee?"

"We…me and Simon…we…" her eyes were sparkling.

"Oh Kaylee," Inara hugs her and doesn't voice her suspicions.

Kaylee gives her another grin and skips from the room.

Two minutes later there's a knock on the door. "Come in," she calls.

Simon walks in stiffly, his hair all in a mess and his clothes rumpled. He obviously hasn't slept. He walks over to her bed and flops down wearily without a word. His eyes are slightly bloodshot and she gets the whiff of alcohol from his breath. She wonders where he got it. Probably Kaylee's engine-brewed hooch.

"How are you Simon?" Inara asks him pleasantly knowing the answer anyway. "Kaylee has been speaking about you."

Simon blinked for a moment. Then he's trying to kiss her, clumsily. Inara kisses back for a moment and thinks wildly if this is the way to help him. He tastes of alcohol. But Kaylee…and Mal… Inara pushes him firmly away. "No Simon."

"Why no? You're a whore…" he slurs drunkenly.

Inara slaps him round the face. "I don't care that your sister's dead Simon you have no right to treat Kaylee this way!"

Inara leaves him lying on her bed and storms from the shuttle.

She goes to Jayne of all people, who collects a now unconscious Simon from the shuttle and dumps him in his room.

The doc's eyes flicker open. "Húndàn. Get out. Tāmāde húndàn!"

"No need for the language doc. My mother would wash your mouth out with soap. Now snap out of this! You wanna upset Kaylee then go ahead. We'll be planet side in five hours. Now sleep, have a gorram wash and get yourself gussied up proper. Dong ma? River wouldn't want this."

And he leaves Simon thinking about this.

* * *

They buried them under the trees. Zoë wasn't crying anymore. She made a beautiful speech about Wash, not using puppets. Then stood back and let Mal squeeze her hand. Inara had hold of his other hand, and Mal felt mightily confused. He looks to Inara and sees his future, his happiness and his love; looks to Zoë and sees his past, his strength, and friendship. Can't be with Zoë that's dead and done with.

Book prays while they're buried.

Simon has sobered up, dresses smartly and can't look at Inara. His face is white but he's not crying.

Kaylee scatters some flowers over the coffins as Jayne buries them. He mutters under his breath as they turn to leave, "Goodbye River. Sorry I wasn't good enough for you."

Wash and River watch then he takes her arm and they walk away.

"Did I ever tell you about the moon where they juggle geese?"

The End

* * *

Translation Notes.

nî shòu shäng le you're hurt

fang xin: don't worry

húndàn asshole/bastard

tāmāde húndàn fucking bastard


End file.
